Thursday, November 15, 2012

Getting Better, Not Easier

   I've spent a majority of my life thus far trying to figure out what it is that I want to do career-wise. Or if I wanted to just have jobs as needed, and devote the "work" of my life to other things.

   There have been three stages to this so far:
1. Thinking: What the heck do I want? Am I even capable of liking anything for more than a month?
2. Realizing that I actually do know what I want, because it has taken up a very large part of my spare time for pretty much my entire life. Then realizing: When will I have time to work on this? I have no time. Time does not exist. Except for school-school-school-school-little bit of social life-school-school-WEDDING-WEDDING-school-needajob-school-WEDDING.
3. And now I'm in stage three. I have the time. I just don't know what to do with it to accomplish things.

   I had forgotten about that little part where I needed to actually know what I'm doing a little better than I currently do. I also hadn't realized that as soon as I had the time to do it, I wouldn't want to, but if I tried to stop all I wanted was to do it, but then doing it meant not wanting to . . . it's a vicious cycle.

   It feels a lot overwhelming and a little bit like I'm in a rut. But a good rut, filled with comfy blankets and apple cider and the knowing that I'm working on something that I hope is meaningful & know is really enjoyable in a sustainable way.

   I'm hoping that the rut part goes away soon though. Because I know that I've done great work in the past, so hypothetically I'm still capable of that, right? I mean, it's only logical.

   And it's also logical that since I made it past the first two stages, I can make it through the third? Yeah?

Oh, also this ---
This is my pained and awkward smile.
Sorry I have to subject you to it.
   What is this, you ask?

   Well, my thumbs don't work right now, and they haven't for about a week. The joints are super swollen and that's making other things hurt and it's just not a good situation.

   Problem#1 - I was pretty much incapable of typing. As in my hands had to be iced simultaneously so that they would be numbish, and even then it was a difficult task filled with lots of cringing and complaining to Austin when he was here and Nelly when he wasn't. Why is this such a big deal? Because typing is what I do literally all day.
   Problem#2 - The spica splint things that I could have gotten from the doctor's office to help were $80. I mean, come on, really? I'm not paying $80 for spica thumb splints - which until that moment I had never heard of before in my life - to wear for what I had hoped to be only a few more days (it's been a few more days, no improvement, so maybe I should have gotten them after all . .).

   Solution - I wrap my hands in scarves (because CVS didn't have normal ACE bandages, and I already paid for the scarves so now I'm getting maximal utility from them. smart? frugal? I think yes. little bit overboard? well, probably) in the manner that I would have done with ACE bandages if I had them in order to mimic the effects of a spica splint.

   Problems with the solution -
-I have to unwrap every time I go to the bathroom or turn on a faucet.
-I have to learn to type without my thumbs.
-My hands get very warm.
-Nelly attacks me periodically when he sees the dangly fringe.

   Worth it to be able to work each day and do some basic hand-related tasks without being in substantial levels of pain or shelling out what is referred to around here as "a day's worth of work"? Oh yes.

   Anyway, I think the point of all of that was that I'm tired of weird, unexpected obstacles. But that's life. And it's what makes for a good story, so maybe I can learn something from it.


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